Tuesday, March 13, 2007

hopeless

I'll never know what will happen next. it seems like it's gonna take forever to really know what will happen. i also could not explain it. As Cinderella quoted "..no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." to my dismay, i quoted the Beast "it's hopeless". There are things i wanted to do to patch things up, i just never have the chance to do it - my friend never gave me a chance. The chance of hope was lost even for a slight of glimpse. would it be possible to live my own dreams again? is it possible to live the friendship back again? [sigh] i'm clueless, it's hopeless.

I remember the time my friend my talking to us with a mediator. the words used were still clear as crystal and continuously ran through my thoughts. my friend quoted "as much as possible, kalimutan niya na'ko. unhealthy na para sa kanya na makasama [o makita] pa ako...if there is someone who would help him forget, so shall it be." Funny, but i cannot understand what my friend implies. It's too hard to forget something so precious who taught me how to care about others rather than myself. Yet, i exploited the moment. And we didn't see it coming. It just kills me every night when i wander, as to reminisce things related to both of us.

In time they expect i will forget. in time soon i will move on. But my wish is to be with a friend for whom i am SO SORRY for, whose trust i've broken and deserted. All i wish to sincerely say sorry but i had never been given a chance...[tear]

solitude admits frailty

"My heart is overflowing with sadness..Once was warm is now cold; once was bright is now dark.."
I consider friends as my priceless possessions. Imagine you will be a part of them wherever, whenever, and whatsoever they were doing, it seems you are welcome and important. You all laugh about something even for a corny joke, or feel the presence of concern and sympathy whenever you are blue. Couldn't be you life any sweeter? I miss my bestfriend, if that is, he would still consider me as his bestfriend, but I do. I could take you to a simple yet worthwhile journey of me and my friend...
It started with music. My classmate offered me a vocalist position in his band organized by him of course. It is just in my account i noticed a guy, funny looking sad and alone. Maybe it's because he never knew me or plainly something is bothering with him at that time. Not too soon, we got along, I sing the words, he press the notes on his keyboards. We jived through with "Out of my League" by Stephen Speaks. Afterwards, we became civil.
The relationship continued when I join a leadership seminar administered by the school. Funny, I also saw him there. I wondered why, but later I found out he's one hell of a guy who's very much enthusiastic with things at school. Well for me, I'm too young for seriousness in life. After the seminar, we got along with each other, found our likes and dislikes, introduced to our common friends, got into school whenever we were free, occasional sleepovers, frequent family (and relative) visits and more. Since then, we honored the vow of friendship.
Well, the aftermath was not of what we expected. Especially for me. Things were perfect, the friendship that is, but there was this flaw that we overlooked. Maybe i really got possessive of him. In any relationship, there are misunderstandings, what's more in just being friends? Other friends whom are very much close to us usually gives me the same advise: "Avoid selfishness." Maybe I got selfish. there was a time I got jealous with his other friends announcing envy and frustration when he couldn't.
Since then i've been crying for months. Not the usual break-up between two lovers but it's harder to lose someone who really become a part of your life. I feel like a shattered glass, unable to be fixed. I'm more delicate than a jigsaw puzzle. I also lost the tiniest piece that makes it whole again. It's even harder than a heartbreak. I usually have this habit of nostalgic reminiscences and obviously i cry. A lot. All the times, i just disguise for a simple smile so they won't be worried in the vast loneliness i'm in. "A smile hides a thousand sorrows."
I know it's very hard to lose a friend. I hope it would never happen to you.

Monday, March 12, 2007

hard to say goodbye


Here is a song that would remember the friendship we had once with other people, who ever they may be. It's really hard to say goodbye to someone you who really mattered to you, the person that became a part of your life. You have known for yourself that this person had inspired and nourished a friendship unlike any other person would do..
Here are the words, Hear the rhyme, A friendship that was lost in time.

We didn't make forever
We each got to go our seperate way
And now we're standing here, helpless
Looking for something to say

We've been together a long time
We never thought it would end
We were always so close to each other
You were always my friend

And it's hard to say good-bye, my love
It's hard to see you cry, my love
Hard to open up that door
When you're not sure what you're going for...

We didn't want this to happen
But you shouldn't feel sad
We had a good life together
Just remember (remember) all the times we had
You know I'll always loved you
You know I'll always have
But no matter how far I may go
In my heart... You'll always be there

(It's so hard) and it's hard to say good-bye, my love
(Baby, it's so hard) it's hard to see you cry, my love
(It's so hard) hard to open up that door
When you're not sure what you're going for
But we got to grow, we've got to try
Cause it's hard, so hard
We have to say goodbye

We didn't make forever
But I will always love you ( But I will always love you)
We didn't make forever
But I will always love you
It's so hard
Baby it's so hard
It's so hard
Baby it's so hard (I will always love you)


(listen/download track? Go to http://jujuerutsu.multiply.com and click tag For Your Dreams Track. Download 21 Track 21.)

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

chapter 2: gloom


it seemed the sun haven't risen..grey as its hue, the gloom draws near..


you've awaken to the morning, nothing is in your path.. darkness covers the place and sadness fills anew. you took a shower, cold and shivering -- flashbacks appear in each splash of water to your body. your reflection rippled in the water as your life adrifts. it's over, you wipe yourself dry, get dressed and relived a new morning. you walked the coldness of yesterday and seemed the sun haven't risen. greyness roams the sky and the trees seemed weak and distressed. the gloom draws near, it would swallow you whole. in front a blurry path can be sighted but darkness roams as you look back. the realm evolves around you, a ray of light tries to shine through. apparently, emotions of grief and sorrow clouds your true feelings. an undescribable gulf made you uneasy as you try to feel. your heart skips a beat when you remember a good memory and your mind turns numb once more.

chapter 1: nostalgic memorabilia

...i could not seem to find myself. sorrow fills me up like vermin...suddenly my heart stops---

seems time fly so fast where the present devoured the past. your feelings are stable and your emotions are calm. you see the better side of things and hope for the brighter future. you came back to where you got lost. you stood up again to where to fell over. you leaped higher to avoid the next hardest fall.and everything seems very bright. the sun rays strikes your face and gives you a great glow. you feel the great winds to your face and the music that they carry from different valleys and streams. the creatures are joyous for the warmth they feel after the winter months. everything seems to be there, happy and contented. you carry in your hand a good reflection of tomorrow never seemed to let it slip away. as we know it, you are back to where you were before. the same old you.

playing with other creatures kept you busy and diverted, exhausted and tiresome. the flowers danced and the trees sang. the birds flew to the highest cloud, and as they dive down, they soared swiftly and landed on your hand with pieces of cotton candy clouds and dew drops. sweet things. tiresome, you laid. the grass gave you comfort and the trees gave you shade. the clouds entertained you by their shape-shifting capabilities. sighed you fell asleep. suddenly the earth trembled and everyone ran away. awaken by the shrieking and the trembling, you got up and looked for shelter. the blue skies turned grey and the wind blew hard. relentless shaking of trees where branches fell. flowers closed their petals hoping the dilemma would pass.yet, rain fell. colors faded and washed away to a distance. all that is left is a dull shade. it consumes you till you could not breathe. you cannot seem to find your self. sorrow fills you up like vermin. delirium. depression. death. all of it consumes your healthy soul, then suddenly your heart stops.numb. you feel nothing, nothing. you see yourself, distorted and old. helpless and alone. the warmth the sun's rays clothes vastness of cold. your eyes turn black and water fills them up."how could i get out of it?" you wager. thus, you walk alone, nothing you guide your way. you sat under a tree, confused. a light does not seem to shine on through. hope you'd lost, you cried. no one there to wipe them off. no one to caress and comfort to. no one, but you. numb, you became numb.

what is that? afar you see a thin line? is it light? is it? alas! darkness faded as light shone through. you see the sun's rays but you could not feel them. still you became numb. creatures gather to call you as they approach yet you ignored their sighs not until they were close. you frowned with disappointment. you could no longer hear the songs the winds carries through its flight as well as the trees holler as it passes by. the grasses loss their touch when they gave you the comfort you loved. comletely, you became numb. and as the day flew by, it's still the same, until the dullness came back to fill you up again.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

preface

The journey begins now.

Mainly the theme and ideas that a person shares in this journal would inspire and transcend thoughts and ideas which could influence their emotions and principles. Our objective in making such journals is not to persuade others but only to address our thoughts about things affecting us. You may get ideas from these views however, it is the persons own perception of such review would only save himself from wondering too much. Feel free to address your reactions and comments, afterall, we love to hear from you and maybe we could discuss more.

Life's full of surprises...Be ready to be mesmerized.

AmosNewcastle
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